 |
|
|
|
William Aloysius Bite was a very cautious man under normal circumstances, but when he opened his front door that morning and saw the package the middle of his front doorstep clearly labelled “CAUTION WILL BITE” his normal caution started to seem like foolhardiness.  He gazed at it transfixed for a few moments at first quizzically not to mention cautiously and with growing distress and then with the horror that they had abbreviated his first name, a barbarity he never indulged in. He then sidled past giving it wide berth. He drove to work in his normal way keeping slightly below the speed limit obeying all the signs and, of course, cautiously avoiding other road users all the time, though now with the package and its personalised warning troubling his mind.
At work he was of course the only person who still wore a face mask after the pandemic. Having cautiously sprayed his keyboard with hand sanitiser making sure this time not to short it out he worked diligently in spite of the ominous words floating before his mind's eye: “CAUTION WILL"—to which he had to add one of those little triangular carat things that editors use to indicate and omission followed by 'iam'—"BITE” all morning until the safest time for a healthy lunch, before resuming. At the end of the day he cautiously returned home, full of a nameless dread that increased as his distance from home decreased. Would the package still be lurking on his doorstep? Since he was too timid to have acquired a wife to pick it up for him, his only hope was the unusual one that those persons who notoriously steal packages from doorsteps might have paid him a visit.
They had not. And no wife had mysteriously appeared from a parallel universe. Preparing to give it an even wider berth, and noting that it now appeared to say "ETIB LLIW NOITAUC" he froze: stopped in his tracks. Perhaps Plaid Cymru were out to get him for some transgression, and why were most of the letters upside-down? But of course, he quickly realised, he was seeing the whole ominous message from the other side. It still said “CAUTION WILL BITE”, and still without his 'iam'.
The next morning the slight hope that developed as he walked towards the front door came crashing down as he opened it.
The package was still there: still labelled “CAUTION WILL BITE”. What should he do? He thought of poking it with a stick, but none were forthcoming. Maybe a gentle tap with his foot? But no it might explode. And that put a thought into the back of his mind which would bear bitter fruit later.
This continued in much the sane way for a whole week. It bored into his consciousness to such an extent that he even occasionally omitted to insert the 'iam'. Seven Days of Terror! Seven Days during which his caution became so extreme that on the seventh he was actually stopped by the police for driving TOO cautiously. The cop was actually quite pleasant, joking that he'd never ever given a ticket for excessive and dangerous caution before.
Then the policeman, who was a kind soul, asked him what on earth was wrong, so the entire sorry tale came out, bit by bit, one might even say cautiously, though more and more hysterically. As far as the policeman could tell the thing was potentially a terrorist bomb possibly even ticking.
They called the bomb squad who duly arrived with one of those little robots they used to blow things up to save them the effort which, on arrival, it proceeded to do to the package and as they stood there in the aftermath of a rather soggy explosion with little bits of fish and fish tank dropping down around them, a neighbour ran up screaming at the top of his angry voice "My live piranha fish" I’ve been searching for them all week."
It was only then Will Bite realised his mistake
|
 |
 |
<-- Go Back |
|
|
| Home | Essays | Notes | Gallery | Miscellany | Contact |
All contents including writing, cartooning, music, and photography unless otherwise specified are
copyright © 1965-2023 howlandbolton.com and Richard Howland-Bolton. All Rights Reserved.
All logos and trademarks on this site are property of their respective owners. | Web work* by 
*as distinct from Wetwork
  |
|
|
