¹ After it had been distainfully rejected by Colley Cibber and the Drury-Lane theatre

² And that’s without even calling it the ‘Bugger’s Opera’ in a brilliantly obscure reference to Sir John Betjeman’s Ghastly Good Taste.

³ Compare written Chinese with, on the one hand spoken Chinese, and on the other written Japanese of the Kanji persuasion; or again compare all those foolish jokes and 'pomes' one sees, often circulating on the internet and perpetrated by the illiterate or at least the etymologically challenged, that claim that English spelling is illogical.

⁴ By Longfellow, or possibly Tallchap.

¹ Most authorities actually think of it as more of a draw since things did end up in statu quo res erant ante bellum. But if you, say, compare our football with yours, or baseball with cricket, and then consider how much Americans hate draws and how much the British love them, you can then draw (ha, ha) your own conclusions about who really, really won.

² I know, I've tried.

³ MY OLD MAN'S A DUSTMAN - 31/03/1960
(4 weeks at #1 - 13 weeks on chart)

Now here's a little story To tell it is a must About an unsung hero That moves away the dust Some people make a fortune Others earn a mint My old man don't earn much In fact he's bloomin' skint Oh my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat He looks a proper 'nana In his great big hob nailed boots He's got such a job to pull 'em up That he calls 'em daisy roots Some folks give tips at Christmas And some of them forget So when he picks their bins up He spills some on the step Now one old man got nasty And to the council wrote Next time my old man went round there He punched him up the throat Oh my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat

I say, I say Les (Yeah) I found a police dog in my dustbin (How do you know it was a police dog) He had a policeman with him Though my old mans a dustman He's got an 'art of gold He got married recently Though he's 86 years old We said 'ere hang on dad You're getting past your prime He said "Well when you get my age It 'elps to pass the time." Oh my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat I say I say I say My dustbin's full of lilies (Well throw'em away then) I can't lily's wearing 'em Now one day whilst in a hurry He missed a ladies bin He hadn't gone but a few yards When she chased after him "What game d'you think you're playing She cried right from the 'art? You've missed me am I too late" Nah jump up on the cart

Oh my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat I say I say I say (Not you again) My dustbin's absolutely full with toadstools (How d'you know it's full) Cuz there's not mushroom inside He found a tiger's head one day Nailed to a piece of wood The tiger looked quite miserable But I suppose he should Just then from out the window A voice began to wail He said "Oy where's me tigers head?" ---Four feet from his tail Oh my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat Next time you see a dustman Looking all pale and sad Don't kick him in the dustbin It might me my old dad.

⁴ DOES YOUR CHEWING GUM LOSE ITS FLAVOUR

Oh-me, oh-my, oh-you Whatever shall I do Hallelujah, the question is peculiar I'd give a lot of dough If only I could know The answer to my question Is it yes or is it no Does your chewing gum lose its flavour On the bedpost overnight? If your mother says don't chew it Do you swallow it in spite Can you catch it on your tonsils Can you heave it left and right Does your chewing gum lose its flavour On the bedpost overnight Here comes a blushing bride The groom is by her side Up to the altar Just as steady as Gibraltar Why, the groom has got the ring And it's such a pretty thing But as he slips it on her finger The choir begins to sing

Does your chewing gum lose its flavour On the bedpost overnight If your mother says don't chew it Do you swallow it in spite Can you catch it on your tonsils Can you heave it left and right Does your chewing gum lose its flavour On the bedpost overnight Now the nation rise as one To send their only son Up to the White House Yes, the nation's only White House To voice their discontent Unto the Pres-I-dent They pawn the burning question What has swept this continent [Lonnie speaks:] If tin whistles are made of tin What do they make fog horns out of Boom, boom

Does your chewing gum lose its flavour On the bedpost overnight If your mother says don't chew it Do you swallow it in spite Can you catch it on your tonsils Can you heave it left and right Does your chewing gum lose its flavour On the bedpost overnight On the bedpost overnight [Man:] Hello there, I love you and the one who holds you tight [Lonnie:] Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday, Friday, Sat'day night On the bedpost overnight [Man:] A dollar is a dollar and a dime is a dime [Lonnie:] He's singin' out the chorus But he hasn't got the time On the bedpost overnight, yeah

BATTLE OF NEW ORLEANS

In 1814 we took a little trip
along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississip.
We took a little bacon and we took a little beans
And we caught the bloody British in the town of New Orleans.

We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin.
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin' on
down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

etc. etc. ...

Music and lyrics by Jimmy Driftwood