The title should not to be confused with the poular 'Come Dancing' programme.

¹  The eventual winners were the Poles, which result Mum put down to them having bribed the judges with promises of unblocked sinks and fixed U-bends.²

² Since Poland's entry into the EU Britain has been suffering an inundation of Polish plumbers , which might explain her reasoning.

¹  With apologies to the lovely Lyly and his beautiful bookes 'Euphues: The Anatomy of Wyt' (1578) and 'Euphues and his England' (1580)

²  What part of 'Big' didn't you understand?

³ Racing, of course. What else could I mean?

If I'd had enough room, this essay would have been entitled "Play 'One Misty Moisty Morning When Cloudy was the Weather' for Me", but I didn't, which is probably a good thing since Mr Eastwood might well have accused ME of stalking.

¹ as long as they wear them for the sake of decency inside their shirts (or outside their shirts if they happen to be Americans who never ever seem to get the placement of articles of clothing right---vide the woeful American confusion about braces, suspenders, garters etc.)

²not that it has too much to do with this song, but if you come to think about it, lying down with a load of soldiers and not getting laid would be almost the exact equivalent for female suicide bombers of the old "seventy two virgins"* are for their male counterparts.

¹ The plural of 'footnote' surely ought, out of common decency, to be 'feetnote': the word 'footnotes' being so predictably sad, boring and, quite frankly, poopy.

² Or, considering my demographic, Baby-Boomer, ditto.

³ The fact that they normally call themselves by their initials, NOAA, and that they apparently pronounce this 'Noah' tells you all you need to know about their attitude towards life, liberty and the pursuit of rain; not to mention the quality of their sense of humour.

⁴ One study, by Halliday et al ("Meteorite Impacts on Humans and Buildings." in the journal Nature, 1985) calculates the rate of impacts to humans as 0.0055 per year, or 1 event every 180 years.

⁵ That last was a joke for research chemists, and the like sort of person, and was very funny.

⁶ Actually an 'NPA' covers more than just heat, rendering it even less useful. A list of the things it covers can be found at www.crh.noaa.gov/lmk/prod ...

Oh! Damn!

...Damn!*

¹ Most authorities actually think of it as more of a draw since things did end up in statu quo res erant ante bellum. But if you, say, compare our football with yours, or baseball with cricket, and then consider how much Americans hate draws and how much the British love them, you can then draw (ha, ha) your own conclusions about who really, really won.

² I know, I've tried.

³ MY OLD MAN'S A DUSTMAN - 31/03/1960
(4 weeks at #1 - 13 weeks on chart)

Now here's a little story To tell it is a must About an unsung hero That moves away the dust Some people make a fortune Others earn a mint My old man don't earn much In fact he's bloomin' skint Oh my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat He looks a proper 'nana In his great big hob nailed boots He's got such a job to pull 'em up That he calls 'em daisy roots Some folks give tips at Christmas And some of them forget So when he picks their bins up He spills some on the step Now one old man got nasty And to the council wrote Next time my old man went round there He punched him up the throat Oh my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat

I say, I say Les (Yeah) I found a police dog in my dustbin (How do you know it was a police dog) He had a policeman with him Though my old mans a dustman He's got an 'art of gold He got married recently Though he's 86 years old We said 'ere hang on dad You're getting past your prime He said "Well when you get my age It 'elps to pass the time." Oh my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat I say I say I say My dustbin's full of lilies (Well throw'em away then) I can't lily's wearing 'em Now one day whilst in a hurry He missed a ladies bin He hadn't gone but a few yards When she chased after him "What game d'you think you're playing She cried right from the 'art? You've missed me am I too late" Nah jump up on the cart

Oh my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat I say I say I say (Not you again) My dustbin's absolutely full with toadstools (How d'you know it's full) Cuz there's not mushroom inside He found a tiger's head one day Nailed to a piece of wood The tiger looked quite miserable But I suppose he should Just then from out the window A voice began to wail He said "Oy where's me tigers head?" ---Four feet from his tail Oh my old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat Next time you see a dustman Looking all pale and sad Don't kick him in the dustbin It might me my old dad.

⁴ DOES YOUR CHEWING GUM LOSE ITS FLAVOUR

Oh-me, oh-my, oh-you Whatever shall I do Hallelujah, the question is peculiar I'd give a lot of dough If only I could know The answer to my question Is it yes or is it no Does your chewing gum lose its flavour On the bedpost overnight? If your mother says don't chew it Do you swallow it in spite Can you catch it on your tonsils Can you heave it left and right Does your chewing gum lose its flavour On the bedpost overnight Here comes a blushing bride The groom is by her side Up to the altar Just as steady as Gibraltar Why, the groom has got the ring And it's such a pretty thing But as he slips it on her finger The choir begins to sing

Does your chewing gum lose its flavour On the bedpost overnight If your mother says don't chew it Do you swallow it in spite Can you catch it on your tonsils Can you heave it left and right Does your chewing gum lose its flavour On the bedpost overnight Now the nation rise as one To send their only son Up to the White House Yes, the nation's only White House To voice their discontent Unto the Pres-I-dent They pawn the burning question What has swept this continent [Lonnie speaks:] If tin whistles are made of tin What do they make fog horns out of Boom, boom

Does your chewing gum lose its flavour On the bedpost overnight If your mother says don't chew it Do you swallow it in spite Can you catch it on your tonsils Can you heave it left and right Does your chewing gum lose its flavour On the bedpost overnight On the bedpost overnight [Man:] Hello there, I love you and the one who holds you tight [Lonnie:] Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday, Friday, Sat'day night On the bedpost overnight [Man:] A dollar is a dollar and a dime is a dime [Lonnie:] He's singin' out the chorus But he hasn't got the time On the bedpost overnight, yeah

BATTLE OF NEW ORLEANS

In 1814 we took a little trip
along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississip.
We took a little bacon and we took a little beans
And we caught the bloody British in the town of New Orleans.

We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin.
There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We fired once more and they began to runnin' on
down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.

etc. etc. ...

Music and lyrics by Jimmy Driftwood

¹[ad. mod.L. Anglicitāt-em, f. Anglic-us, after Latinus, Latinitāt-em, Latinity: see -ITY.]
English quality, as of speech or style; English idiom.

²[Variant of the Scots CURFUFFLE n. (perh. influenced by KER-?), now the general form in colloquial use.]
1946 F. SARGESON That Summer 94, I bet it [sc. the domestic row] ended up in a good old kafuffle. 1959 J. FLEMING Miss Bones xiv. 150 The kerfuffle over the stolen jewels last week. 1960 E. W. HILDICK Jim Starling & Colonel viii. 62 Butcher said he didn't know what all the kerfuffle was about. 1960 A. WYKES Snake Man iii. 38 After this kufuffle was over and we were on our way again. 1965 New Statesman 30 Apr. 693/3 After..some abortive backstage kerfuffles at the National Theatre, Wedekind's Spring Awakening has scraped past the Lord Chamberlain. 1968 'B. MATHER' Springers xii. 130 In the kerfuffle of the last half hour I had forgotten the poor soul's personal needs. 1973 K. AMIS Riverside Villas Murder ii. 40 A lot of our readers are going to think all this kerfuffle over an old skeleton being snatched is..a bit of a joke.

³ Sc. rare. [onomatopœic.]
   trans. To throw into disorder; to jerk about; to hustle, treat with contumely. Hence fuffled ppl. a. Also fuffle n., violent exertion, fuss.
1536 LYNDESAY Answ. Kingis Flyting 54 That feynd, with fuffilling of hir roistit hoch, Caist doun the fat. 1635 D. DICKSON Pract. Writ. (1845) I. 177 Thou must be content instead of favour to be fuffled. 1801 HOGG Sc. Pastorals 14 When muckle Pate, wi' desp'rate fuffle, Had at Poltowa won the scuffle. 1819 W. TENNANT Papistry Storm'd (1827) 66 He saw the Vicar..In fuffel'd garb, and plicht ungainly.

Just as a demonstration of how we are discriminated against, compare us with a minority with a similar proportion of the population---blacks (who constitute 14% against the lefties 10%) get whole month to celebrate their history but we get a mere one day . Not only that but every four years they get an extra allotment equal to our entire yearly allowance!

¹ Though it's almost absolutely certain that the next one will be, since both of the major candidates lean to the left hand (whatever their political leanings might be).

On the title.  It's a vaguely Mediæval spelling, see this on the etymology of London .

¹ "Why, Sir, you find no man, at all intellectual, who is willing to leave London. No, Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford."
Life of Johnson (Boswell). 1 Vol. vi. Chap. ix. 1777.

² Amusingly, and not inappropriately, my spelling checker suggests that “Gibson” should be replaced by “Gibbon”

³ 

Lady Godiva by John Collier c.1898.

by K. Davis, C. Schoen, S. C. Schoenbaum, M. M. Doty, A. L. Holmgren, J. L. Kriss, and K. K. Shea, Mirror, Mirror on the Wall: An International Update on the Comparative Performance of American Health Care, The Commonwealth Fund , May 2007

² There was Cynth and Lydia (often called for hypocoristic reasons Lid-o’-yer-dustbin) and Marilyn and Sue. They called me Gert for some obscure reason, either to disguise the intrusive otherness of my sex or maybe just because that’s how I first introduced myself to them.