Current Essays


Me at the Mike

Here is a repository of the texts of my wireless essays together with some readings of them.

The essays were broadcast by WXXI 91.5 Classical of Rochester, NY on Salmagundy each Saturday at 9:35am Eastern Time, from the beginning of time (1985) till May 2009 when Entropa (evil Goddess of Change-for-the-Worse-or-Possibly-the-Worst) troubled the minds of the WXXIites and they retired Simon and Salmagundy, and Rochester went into a terminal decline---for ever.
But I do continue on that brilliant bastion of all that's good and kultured, on WCLV's syndicated Weekend Radio on many (mainly NPRish) stations traditionally on the first and third weekends of the month, though your weekendage may vary, (these are archived for a couple of months).

Richard Howland-Bolton

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General: The Dog Business On:0000-00-00 00:00:00
In the last few months my life has changed suddenly, dramatically and out of all reckoning.
General: Correct not Right On:2013-06-16 16:00:00
I was in Half-Price Books the other day... (Oh! and I suppose should explain that Half-Price Books is an excellent chain of secondhand book shops which, if you think about it, is not what you'd expect to find in Texas)... anyway... I was in Half-Price Books the other day, and when I was checking out, the chap behind the counter complimented me on signing my name with the correct hand rather than the right one.

General: Why Do Coincidences All Happen at the Same Time? On:0000-00-00 00:00:00
We have a saying in England, in situations when, for instance, some chap is failing miserably to awaken the interest of a young lady "Huh! Chance'd be a fine thing." and chance may well be a fine thing, but coincidence is a pain sometimes, and it's funny how it takes over and everything seems to happen all at once. Often disastrously.
General: Gee! Polite System!! On:2012-02-09 00:00:00
The famous science fiction author, inventor and futurist Arthur C, Clarke famously wrote that “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic”. I know how he meant it, but with all due respect to his undoubted brilliance, I think he totally missed the real, and really sad, point of this famous third law.

General: Impending On:2012-04-21 00:00:00
When I get older, losing my hair,
Several days from now.
Will you still be sending me a Valentine;
Birthday greeting; bottle of wine
When I’ve been out till a quarter to nine!!
Would you lock the door,
Will you still need me, will you still feed me? ...


General: Thinking of You’ns Sassoons On:2010-08-12 00:00:00
Thinking of YouThe other day Georgia: you know Georgia, girlfriend Georgia, or rather (for reasons that will perhaps become apparent in a moment) what we should call Georgia-on-my-mind Georgia. Yes that Georgia! Anyway, Georgia recycled a little sticky labeley bit from a sort-of-customisable-ish popup greeting card thing, after we sent the rest of it off to a relative of mine who apparently broke her arm at the seaside while wrestling with rocks, or dolphins or, for all I know, with the vast and ungovernable Sea itself and so was feeling poorly. Georgia recycled it by sticking it on the mirror in my bathroom (the sticky bit of the card, not the vast and ungovernable Sea itself).
The label says ‘Thinking of you”.

General: The Beautiful Blame On:2010-05-01 17:35:29
Up until a few year ago I regularly played at the football---and of course I don’t mean that rather weird perversion of Rugger they play here, with all the padding and the guys measuring everything in sight, and the all-change calls every few minutes where they seem to have entirely new teams coming out on to the field as though they were playing two games in parallel. No I don’t mean that, I mean the beautiful game, the game that almost everyone else in the entire world watches, and presumably loves.
General: The Utter Absolute Total End On:2009-05-27 05:15:34
SimonOn the 16th of May in the Year of Our Lord 2009 (a day that will live in infamy) Simon, his scintillating Sunshine Show and Salmagundy, the Show for Working People were brutally hurled onto the trash heap of history. We, his hangers-on and toadies, of course immediately joined him there. To celebrate this so-called Morning of the Long Knives, we his hangers-on and toadies, were 'encouraged', by means the like of which has not been seen since Dick Chainey1 had to give up waterboarding2, to contribute memori... I mean testimonials to him, sort of like at the end of Beowulf.

General: Travel Shortens the Knees On:2009-05-15 04:28:35
I've been back home in England for a few weeks: of course at work they tease me by always claiming that I do it merely to work on preserving my accent, which seems a strange thing to say (especially in jest), since I don't even have an accent (speaking as I do the perfect accentless received pronunciation of English) but be that as it may or may not, I have yet again been there (and anyway even if they were right, there's no one  now left in England who can even approximate to proper English---now-a-days they all mumble some sort of vile lumpenproletarian Estuarine ugliness that's totally unqueenly and even worse than Teyuxian into their mobile phones whilst driving, in spite of the Law, and usually (as far as I can tell from loads of coverage in the news) into other people .
Yup I'm the only one who can still speak it and I'm usually over here not there---so there!

General: Talk Like a Samurai Day On:2009-04-22 06:04:44
Our story opens to the sounds of macho Nihongo stuff:
[sucking sound]; Katana; Wakizashi; Bokken etc. [a deep hoarse O-o-o-o]
"Sumimasen, Kojiro san: kaisuiyoku ni ikimasen ka?1" as Miyamoto Musashi once said to Sasaki Kojiro on Ganryûjima . Oh sorry, sorry I'm sure you don't have the faintest idea what that's all about, and that's simply because you probably don’t realise this is the famous, or at least infamous Talk Like a Samurai Day---I mean I suppose you wouldn’t really since I’ve only just invented it.


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